Middle-aged man, Steve Daniels, woke up after an unremarkable night-out with a burning desire to take on productive DIY tasks, it has emerged.
Before going out, Daniels, 43, assured his wife that he was merely engaging in a low-key catch-up, entailing a couple of hours in the pub at best, a prediction that he believes is self-evidently true by his current demeanour.
He said: ‘It was basically staying in it, it was that nondescript. But to be fair, I wasn’t here to help put the kids down and so I thought I’d crack on and paint the upstairs bathroom, something I promised the wife I’d do ages ago. That shouldn’t take long. I can probably fit in a few doors as well. She’ll appreciate it and I am absolutely tip-top so it should take me no time.’
His wife, Sarah said: ‘Damn right, he’s painting the fucking bathroom. He shook me awake at 2 am to tell me he just urinated over one of the neighbour’s garden gnomes, which it then transpired he was holding.’
‘He then explained how he didn’t feel that drunk – even though he couldn’t keep his eyes open or retain saliva in his mouth – before insisting on talking through all the DIY jobs that he was going to undertake the next day.’
‘I then couldn’t get back to sleep after he passed out mid-sentence and snored kebab-scent in my face. So, yes, the prick is painting the bathroom. He’s then taking both the kids to a soft play party.’
‘I bet he’s not even doing it.’
‘Yep. He’s asleep in the bath, the absolute melt.’
