Britain braces itself for post-Brexit wave of scrounging ex-pats


Fears are growing that Britain may be swamped by a ‘grey wave’ of elderly migrants returning once European healthcare accords are abolished when Britain leaves the EU. About 75% of Britons settled in continental Europe are one untimely slip in the shower away from the Grim Reaper – now multitudes of them may descend on us like a plague of wrinkly locusts, putting the nation’s supply of Werther’s Originals seriously to the test.

‘Brexit has put a lot of countries’ backs up’ said Simon Stevens, head of the NHS in England. ‘We doubt they’ll continue footing the bill for our sickly retirees filling GPs’ surgeries every day, waiting to been seen for imaginary stabbing pains in their lower left back once formal welfare agreements end. If they return, they would overwhelm our already overstretched services – there are simply not enough Mecca Bingos to cope.’

UK residents have reported mixed feelings over the impending deluge of geriatric moochers. Some are furious over what they see as a betrayal of their own basic human right to live in Spain and refuse to learn the local language, while others have expressed concern that the OAPs will come over here and steal all the jobs working part-time Wednesday mornings in the Cancer Research UK shop.

‘I heard they don’t stand for the Queen’s speech anymore’, fumed housewife Nora Taylor. ‘But they’ll salute a photo of Antonio Banderas downing a Sangria and poking a bull in the eye with a sombrero. Disgraceful.’ However, Kevin Briggs said: ‘I don’t understand what’s going on here. Don’t we own the Costa del Sol? Isn’t that what the Falklands War was all about?’

The government has stressed that it intends to ensure that elderly Brits remain someone else’s problem. Said a Home Office spokesman: ‘We are determined that the generation that brought us rent-to-buy housing and the jerry curl, the 7th or 8th greatest generation of all time, will not become orphans of political upheaval.’ Meanwhile, the Isle of Wight County Council said that it really didn’t see what the problem was anyway.


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Posted: Jan 30th, 2020 by

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