Gyles Brandreth the well-spoken humourist and former Conservative MP is ‘struggling to contain his excitement’ he said, after imagining being handed a card with those words on it by a BBC Comedy Producer.
‘I am indeed so struggling,’ the occasionally amusing but more often irritating former minor public schoolboy confessed, ‘and my struggle relates to the fact that it would be wrong, entirely inappropriate and though I say it myself tactless if not tasteless if I were now to relate to the wireless listening public wherein my excitement lay, because this feeling of an impending change in my life has never been so clear yet so unpronounceable as you might imagine as you wipe away a tear. It is the same feeling as someone who is about to be knighted at Buckingham Palace might have if he needed urgently to have a ‘tinkle’ but didn’t want to lose his place in the queue for her Maj, or even worse wet his pants on the dais, and for those who say this allusion is in some way a deviation because it hyperbolises this fork in the road for a humble Brandreth, does not understand how important this new potential career opportunity about which I cannot go into detail really is. So please, forgive me if I am on edge…..’
Mr Brandreth then interrupted himself by blowing an imaginary whistle, congratulated himself on speaking uninterrupted for a minute, tried out a joke about Boutros Boutros Gali then stopped talking to himself in the bathroom mirror. Then he came back, humming the Chopin Waltz in D-flat, Op. 64, No. 1 to try out a joke starting ‘Mirror mirror on the wall…’