Your guide to keeping safe during the coronavirus outbreak.

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  1. Maintain your inner calm at all times. If someone in your vicinity starts talking utter shite about catching the virus from a Chinese takeaway, take a deep breath and walk away.
  2. Don’t let thinking about the virus distract you from other potential threats that are more likely to harm you e.g. road traffic, excessive alcohol consumption, or indeed everything else.
  3. Try not to travel to quarantined Chinese cities. If you think you may end up in a quarantined Chinese city by accident, please check your grip on reality.
  4. Consider buying your next iPhone on the high street, and not on eBay for less than $200 from a seller called ExelentFoneUMustShopin and delivered in up to six weeks with a free bat-skin case.
  5. Avoid eating cats, snakes and bats. Dogs, hedgehogs and squirrels are currently safe for consumption
  6. Don’t tell your local Chinese Chippie his meals are unsafe. You will find there are worse things than catching a virus
  7. If you suddenly get a sore throat, hot flushes & start choking, and then followed by acute diarrhoea, first consider how strong was that Phaal Curry you just finished
  8. Do not confuse Wuhan with Wigan : if you do end up in the latter, you’ll need a darn sight more than a mask to reduce the risk of infection.
  9.  If you are of Oriental extraction, wearing a face-mask on public transport may well be badly misinterpreted by your fellow commuters.
  10. Refrain from sexual intimacy with ducks (unless you are another duck).
  11. Always disinfect chopsticks, especially after playing drums with them on a little waiter’s head, or before pretending they are extra-long Dracula fangs, or after making your Vietnamese housemaid eat her daily meal of peas with them.
  12. Do not cook in a wok under any circumstances. Use a frying pan instead and accept your stir-fries will lack authenticity until the all clear is sounded.
  13. Avoid Chinese whispers
    Don’t eat off Willow Pattern plates
  14. Do not practise Tai Chi, Feng Shui or watch Kung Fu Panda
  15. Disinfect all Ming vases in your house
  16. Don’t drink lemonade from the 1970s
  17. Do not stare at the sun during a total eclipse

Sir Lupus, Sinnick, FlashArry, Crayon, Chipcahse, Dick Everyman, Midfield Diamond

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Posted: Jan 30th, 2020 by

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