Culture loses Culture War

Screenshot 2020-01-31 at 07.11.01

Great Britain’s extended and wide-reaching Culture War was finally declared over last night as Brexit supporters waved plastic union jacks in Parliament Square and awaited the bongs of Big Ben that they claimed woud no longer be silenced by the ‘politically-correct woke brigade’.

For as long as anyone can remember Britain’s un-civil war has been fought on Twitter and Question Time, in gastropubs and Wetherspoons and during visits to vaguely racist grandparents in Lincolnshire.  But with the UK’s official withdrawal from the the European Union, Trump’s acquittal in Washington and Fleabag losing the National TV awards to Mrs. Brown’s Boys, the so-called Liberal Metropolitan Elite have been forced to accept it is all over. ‘Boris Johnson has got Brexit done’, said a delighted Julia Hartley-Brewer, ‘And all in one day! Now we won’ t have to drink our beer in litres anymore, and we won’t be forced to sing Baa Baa Green Sheep like always happened before. No wonder super-woke Meghan Markle couldn’t take it anymore!’

After blowing smoke over cowering remoaners in the corner of the pub, Nigel Farage emerged from the Red Lion, Whitehall clutching a pint of ‘Spitfire’ bitter where cheering crowds dressed in golf club blazers and red corduroys celebrated the end of having to listen to experts and not being allowed to wear golliwog broches. “I have today accepted the unconditional surrender of the metropolitan elite and the career politicians’, said the Dulwich-educated city trader and long-standing M.E.P. ‘We didn’t surrender to the Germans in 1940…’ he continued, ‘and we are not going to allow our young people to study at European Universities now!’

Culture’s official surrender in the Culture War was signed by Mary Beard, J.K Rowling and Philip Pulman, who pointed out that the document was missing an Oxford comma. This was however, just part of the humiliating terms set by Laurence Fox and the bloke from Wetherspoons.  Henceforth, when asked why there is no International Women’s Day, instead of replying ‘there is; it’s November 19th’, they must answer ‘it’s because feminism has gone too far.’ If they hear mention of Black History Month, they are compelled by law to say ‘Yeah, but why is there no ‘White History Month’ adding ‘it is actually the white people who are discriminated against now.’

The end of the Culture War was not reported on the BBC because they have sacked all their journalists.


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Posted: Feb 1st, 2020 by

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