Every single person who completed Dry January in the UK is celebrated yestoday by getting absolutely shit-faced before lunchtime.
The public health campaign aims to get millions of people to think about their drinking and see the health benefits that a month off booze can achieve. Now those people are celebrating their achievement with a massive session.
“The first couple of days were OK, possibly because I was still a bit pissed from New Year, but after that it has been tough going.” said Jason Thompson, a Dry January survivor, standing outside his local Wetherspoons waiting for it to open while clutching a half empty bottle of vodka.
“I got through it though and can honestly say that I can feel the benefits. Now I’m off to undo those benefits by pouring a massive amount of cheap, mass-produced alcohol down my throat as quickly as possible.”
Thompson celebrated midnight on January 31st with a small glass of wine. Then a large glass of wine. Then a whole bottle of Jagermeister. Then got some sleep before getting up and pouring vodka on a bowl of corn flakes.
Other “survivors” have pointed out how convenient it is that the end of the month came at a weekend, where there is no need for most of them to work.
“Don’t get me wrong, I would’ve got twatted anyway, but it’s just so much easier not having to try to hide it and act sober at work. My boss gets really picky about me drinking during my shift.” explained Laura Cox, a heart surgeon.