‘Would you like help with your benefit claims?’ ask Northeners

crowd of people

People from the north of England say they are more than willing to help people from the south with their benefit claims once Brexit really kicks in.

With over 35 years experience of filling out forms for things such as Income Support, Jobseekers Allowance, Housing Benefit and Tax Credits people from the north say they are more than qualified to help their southern brothers and sisters find the benefit that is right for them.

People from the north will also be able to help southerners with useful acronyms, such as DWP, SMI, CTR, JSA and other Government departments they didn’t know existed. Other acronyms that southerners will come across in the grim months ahead – such as WTOW (Welcome To Our World) and XfBB (extra for bareback) – will also be explained in graphic detail.

Northeners say they can also advise southerners on how to cope without those non-essentials such as passports, M&S loyalty cards, childcare, cars that cost over £1500, expense accounts, libraries and coffee that doesn’t come in a jar.
‘I’m sure they’ll be fine once they get used to it’ said Northerner Jason Beesley, ‘the first thing they need to do is face reality and admit that it’s over for them, it’s amazing what you can do when you have no choice.

‘They can start by making little lifestyle changes right away, little things that will help soften the impact. Maybe swap those skis for a wide screen TV or cancel that gym membership and get Netflix instead, swap the Magimix food processor for a pizza wheel. It’s pointless delaying things, it’s all for their own good: it’s their future.

‘They are going to have a lot more time on their hands, they need to brush up on their daytime TV presenters. Get to know your Kyles from your Rinders, your Wonnacots from your Dickinsons and your Hewers from your Armstrongs.’ said Mr Beesley.

‘Once they’ve done that, and realise eating by candlelight isn’t a middle-class lifestyle choice, they’ll all be fine. The Tories gave us the chance to have our say and now we would like to do our bit in return. Filling out forms isn’t much of a skill to pass on….but it’s all we have got, it’s all we’ve ever been trained for.’

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Posted: Feb 3rd, 2020 by

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