Embarrassed WHO reaches out to Gwyneth Paltrow to help combat coronavirus

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The World Health Organisation, who have been criticised as being ‘out of touch’ by Twitter users, has reached out to the Goop Lab creator and wellness guru Gwyneth Paltrow in an attempt to win favour with a younger demographic.

The WHO has admitted to underestimating the severity of the global threat of coronavirus. A spokesperson for the organisation stated that the risk has been upgraded to ‘high’, after initial reports incorrectly identified the global risk as ‘moderate’. Twitter users were quick to denounce the organisation for backtracking, including Youtube star Vanessa P who tweeted ‘OK boomers’ in response.

The WHO have since appealed to Ms Paltrow in an attempt to revitalize their global brand. She was quick to respond to the request stating: ‘Finally the WHO are looking to take global wellness seriously’.

‘The girls at the Goop Lab are already working on a cure,” Paltrow said. ‘As the virus originated in China we suspect the illness is caused by disruption of the body’s natural feng shui, inhibiting energy flow between meridians.’ In response, Goop Lab is currently developing a salve made from organic soy sauce, ginger and five-spice to apply to the vagina.

The company is also patenting an exclusive Madagascar retreat for those already infected, offering a range of alternative therapies, including fasting and mindfulness techniques, as well as psychedelic treatments. ‘The powerful healing properties of psilocybin allow the souls of the virus and host to connect on a spiritual level, encouraging empathy and compassion over division,’ added Paltrow.

The WHO’s vaccination development unit, who were reportedly weeks away from completing a vaccine to the virus, has since been disbanded. This follows advice from Paltrow that the units rigorous scientific technique represented an outdated model of health that ‘reeked of privilege and patriarchy’.

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Posted: Feb 3rd, 2020 by

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