Due to unbecoming sexual misbehaviour by senior royals over several decades returning like last night’s foie gras, more and more common folk are claiming love-child status and pursuing their rightful inheritance of royal thrones, titles and tickets for major sporting events.
A landmark ruling proving a 51-year-old woman is the daughter of the ex-King of Belgium has set a legal precedent. DNA identification technology is scientifically paving the way for titular claimants to inherit more than just odd-shaped facial features and rare blood disorders. So, what about you? Answer yes to some of these questions and you may have a claim:
Do you have blue blood, or are you just cold because your power supplier has folded?
Have you slipped-up at 3 a.m. in a kebab shop and ordered pheasant?
Is your social media profile picture a Pit Bull rampant set against quarterings of the ‘Big four’ supermarket logos?
Do you occasionally self-refer using ‘oneself’, instead of ‘misen’ and ‘us’?
Was your mother serving Pimm’s at a palace garden party where a senior royal asked if she would care to see his ‘cherished oak’, only for him to leave without the courtesy of brushing the loose bark from her cheek?
If yes, then call our claims hotline. Also, if you own hats, you’re more than likely the by-product of royal clackers. Mr. X from Queensland has currently started legal proceedings in the High Court of Australia to prove he’s the child of Prince Charles and Camilla. Are you too? Maybe we all are?
To prevent further widening of the gene pool by riff-raff, future royals will be grown in artificial wombs in Switzerland. So hurry, make a claim, NOW!
Remember! Positive paternities by Dave Cameron don’t count, sorry babe! Fill-in all your details on royal family website, and we’ll find you.