Naked fries ‘essentially chips’ admits cafe owner


The naked fries listed on the food board at £7.25 for a small container are, when it boils down to it, effectively chips, the manager at a hipster food outlet begrudgingly admitted today. The news was revealed by Michael O’Mahoney, ‘content creator and executive chef’ at the Tuber and Tonic on Hoxton High Street, amidst repeated questioning by hungry and confused diners, sitting on formica school chairs, admiring miles of exposed air conditioning ducts.

The ‘subtle twists on a contemporary classic’ could, yes, if you were being pedantic, also be described as salt, mayonnaise and a dollop of marmite, accepted O’Mahoney, stroking his beard whilst rolling his eyes upwards towards some dark, exposed beams. And, if you were minded to, ‘Pipers, quadruple cooked, and finished with coarse incisions designed to decant hints of peat’ could, he supposed, be taken to mean ‘potatoes, chipped’.

The concept of ‘artisan loaded skins’ was a lot more than just a jacket potato with a choice of one or two fillings, but if you really had to socially deconstruct it, then, yes, would you prefer cheddar cheese or tuna with yours?, asked O’Mahoney, to a table of 6, before collecting up menus printed on artificially yellowing paper, gratuitously clipped onto an oaky-looking clipboard.

‘Some people just don’t get what we’re aiming for here’, sighed O’Mahoney, taking a leak into a urinal reclaimed from a derelict Victorian prison in the gents toilets, before returning to standing behind his botanicals and gin bar, to make a mug of tea for a customer. ‘Could you curate 4 Old Skool Corn Syrup shots for Table 4′, O’Mahoney shouted out to Pete, his new ‘front of house gastronomic requirement scribe’, before clarifying that yes, those were made by pressing the ‘Coke’ button on the mixer gun behind the bar and adding some ice.

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Posted: Feb 4th, 2020 by

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