Monty Python quotes to be banned from public places


The government has today announced plans to bring in fresh legislation against anyone heard uttering the phrase “He’s not the Messiah, he’s a very naughty boy” in a strangulated voice.

Draft rulings are also under consideration to allow judges to impose long prison sentences on anyone attempting to recreate ‘Nudge nudge, wink wink’ in public, or allow the army to intervene if any social situation becomes too silly. Repeat offenders may also risk having their pelvises screwed to a cake stand.

‘We simply have to stamp out this kind of unsocial behaviour,’ said Attorney General Jeremy Wright. ‘Men in pubs and at dinner parties all over the country are getting on everyone’s tits with their endless belief that they are funny, simply because they have memorised a very old sketch. They aren’t. This is a dead joke. It has ceased to be. Bereft of life it lies in peace. It’s kicked the bucket, shuffled off its mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible … oh, sod it, I’ve done it again.’

The announcement has been welcomed by many members of the general public, who say they have had enough of the endless Python, even though they recognise that this is still basically a Python-worshipping country. ‘Can’t happen soon enough,’ said retired minor Seth Allthwaite from Barnsley, whose next play opens at the National Theatre next month.

‘Comedy today is much better than it were then. Back in’t’ 1970s we ‘ad three channels for all 15 kids to watch in a brown paper bag in a septic tank. Not that we could watch any of them, because we ‘ad to be up at three in’t’ mornin’ to work 24 hours a day at t’mill for fourpence a year, IF we were lucky. So what’s Monty Python ever done for us?’

However, some question whether the law can be practically enforced. ‘Irritating though it can be, quoting Python at odd intervals is in our DNA,’ said Adrian Gilbert, Professor of Instant Popular Culture Nostalgia at the University of Buckingham. ‘Research suggests that most British people are simply unable to get through a minute of speech without – Ni! – quoting Python. All in all, I don’t expect these proposals to go anywhere. Then again, I didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition.’

Barry Van Hire/newsbiscuit editorial team. Hat tips to Sir Lupus and Gerontius

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Posted: Feb 5th, 2020 by

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