Legendary North Korean newsreader Ri Chun-hee, famous for her emotional presentation style and bright pink business suits will replace the Downing Street press corps with immediate effect, Lee Cain, the Prime Minister’s Communications Director announced today. The news comes a day after Cain excluded journalists from the Daily Mirror, Huff Post, Independent and PoliticsHome from a Downing Street briefing on trade plans, something that even the Daily Mail and the Daily Telegraph thought was pushing it a bit.
Ri Chun-hee will be charged with giving hourly valedictions to the glorious Prime Minister and his team, celebrating his remarkable achievements from Getting Brexit Done to, um, oh – lots and lots of other wonderful things. Each day at 6pm, after a briefing from Dominic Cummins, she will list Johnson’s key daily achievements, while weeping in gratitude of our Great Master, accompanied by chimes of Big Ben.
‘We’ve made this decision after some of the press corps called Boris nasty names and said that he smelled of poo’, explained Cain. ‘Nothing to do with them asking some tricky questions about the lack of a clear strategy over trade plans, or pointing out the potential for food safety and labour rights to be watered down post-Brexit.’
The news comes as Cain continues to impose a ban on the PM and Ministers talking to the Today programme because the presenters stole Michael Gove’s schoolbag and threw his packed lunch on the floor. However, the government has denied that there are any parallels between the Kim family dynasty in North Korea and Prime Minister Johnson’s in the UK.
‘Kim Jong-un is an overprivileged fat buffoon, presiding over a country with a failing economy that has fallen out with all its neighbours but is somehow in possession of nuclear weapons,’ said Cain. ‘He has siblings prominent in government and the media, those among them he falls out with mysteriously disappear and no-one has any idea how many children he has. Whereas…’