The Chinese government has advised all Chinese people currently in Britain to leave the country to minimise their risk of exposure to the Brexonavirus. There are fears that this hitherto localised outbreak of lethal stupidity could become a global pandemic. Returning citizens will be quarantined in a newly built hospital in Wuhan, where they can be decontaminated by reading the People’s Daily.
‘We take our duty to protect our citizens very seriously,’ said Foreign Minister Wang Yi. ‘We have already laid on a charter flight to remove Chinese nationals from Barnsley and other epicentres of the disease, but our advice is that nowhere in Britain is safe. Except possibly Scotland, but the threat of malnutrition from lack of vegetables there means it isn’t really an option either.’
Although poorly understood, Brexonavirus is believed to have evolved about four years ago through a mutation of a lethal strain of the SARS (Severe Arrogant Reactionary Syndrome) virus. Symptoms include acute boorishness, a sudden loss of the ability to think and a compulsive urge to shout ‘we won u lost get ova it’ out of context.
Initially, it appeared that Brexonavirus could only be spread through repeated, long-term exposure to contaminated national media. However, there is now evidence of direct person-to-person spreading via idiotic posts on Facebook.
China is among many nations that have already evacuated all non-essential embassy staff from London. Officially, this has been done to spare them having to meet Dominic Raab, but it is understood that many have fled in fear of becoming exposed to the particularly toxic strain of Brexonavirus that has infected the Westminster area.
‘Our advice is to stay calm and avoid looking at the Daily Express,’ said Wang. ‘However, there is no point in wearing face masks because they may cause you to choke on your own vomit when you become aware of what a total bunch of twats the British are.’