Hot on the heels of the announcement that her This Morning co-presenter is gay, Holly Willoughby has admitted that for the past ten years she has been the head of a Columbian drugs cartel. In a statement to the ITV network Holly announced that she has been controlling nearly the entire South American cocaine supply chain, from importing large, multi-ton shipments from Peru and Bolivia into West Sussex, storing it, then coordinating the shipment of the drug throughout Europe.
‘It was never my intention to rain on Phillip’s gay parade, but this seems the right moment to come clean about my double life. I’m just glad that it is now out in the open and, can I say that despite everything, Phillip and I will remain life-long friends,’ said a tearful Willoughby. ‘Nobody forced my hand to come out about this. It was completely my decision; a decision which has caused terrible family tensions both here and in Bogota, among the families of the 50 people who have been murdered in the gang warfare over my decision to go public.’
Holly’s problems escalated after she founded a criminal debt collection service and used it to coordinate disparate street gangs throughout the UK to violently enforce debts owed to her by both A and Z list television celebrities. ‘It just started getting out of hand. So, this is the right time to come clean to everyone as the pressures have been immense. It’s a huge weight off my mind. My wonderful, amazing husband said he will stand by me, because I am blonde and have big boobs.’
An ITV spokesman said: ‘We absolutely support Holly’s honesty at this difficult time and her career is not at risk. In fact, we are in discussions about a new vehicle for her, Cooking with Ice, a brand-new cookery programme looking into the production of crystal methamphetamine and other A class drugs following traditional and old-fashioned home-made recipes. And for added spice, we’ll be pairing sexy celebs with angry TV cooks for extra will-they-won’t-they dilemmas about doing crack in the back of the kitchen. That’s not a euphemism, by the way.’