Evidence has emerged that the havoc wrecked upon the UK’s gardens, by severe gales, may have been premeditated. Rather than an example of climate change, Storm Ciara is thought to be a scam by fence builders, who have a monopoly on dip-treated, overlap panels and illegally traffic in ‘Colombian’ lattice.
From their lair, on the dark side of the moon, evil fencing masterminds have aimed a weather ray-gun at the Earth. This secret device, is capable of creating a gust of wind, so powerful, that it can level an area 5ft by 5ft – destroying hanging baskets, dislodging any wrought-iron heron and leaving your begonias in a state of carnage.
Storm Ciara will lead to months of regular work, for any two-man panelling team; but will see a continuation in the turf war with the Hedge Mafia. The bloody reputation of The Fence Panelling Cartel, has led to many a gardener waking up in bed next to a decapitated garden gnome.
The Cartel have also put in an ambitious bid to complete President Trump’s border wall. There is no direct evidence of threats and bribery, but it does seem suspicious that the finished wall will be four-foot high tongue and groove, with trellis for a rose bush.