All umbrellas will be now be sold inside out and with pre-existing irreparable structural damage, it has been reported.
With Storm Ciara set to pass the heavy rain and driving winds baton onto another Storm, named George, or something equally and inexplicably benign, retailers have decided to adapt accordingly.
Retailer, Si Burns said: ‘we want to assist as best we can. We anticipated the growth in umbrella demand due to the significant levels of precipitation, but also conscious that the mental winds will chew the archetypal umbrella to bits within seconds.’
‘Therefore, we have adapted our umbrellas to suit these prevailing conditions, by rendering them pathetic and limp shadows of their former selves before they even leave the shop. Consumers have the confidence of knowing that notwithstanding the severity of this weather, the state of their umbrella will remain constant.’
One sodden, wind-swept consumer said: ‘it really does work. I just used my redundant rain protector as a makeshift sword to involuntarily fight the wind. It worked a treat.’
‘Why don’t I just wear a raincoat, instead? “But then all those amusingly pointless stock images of people with umbrellas getting blown away or soaked would have no purpose.’
‘Next thing you’ll be suggesting I just stay inside and avoid getting un-necessarily drenched. Ridiculous.’