Since Britain left the European Union two-weeks ago, one Mrs Farage has been trying to remind her husband Nigel that he is now free to regrout the grotty old tiles in the bathroom.
“I asked Nigel to do something about those tiles back in the spring of 1992,” explained Mrs Farage, “But he mumbled some excuse, like not having a sledge-hammer, and then said something about cheap foreign labour, before insisting that he couldn’t possibly find the time to do it until Britain had left Europe. Then he went down the pub to start UKIP and hasn’t been home for twenty-eight years.”
“Christ knows how that daft cow got my phone number,” said Mr Farage, “Regrout bloody tiles!? I went to public school and was a very keen Conservative. In the 80s, I became a successful City broker and alcoholic. Then I did UKIP and Brexit. I’ve never once done anything even remotely useful in my entire life – and I’ll be buggered if I’m going to start now!”