Steve Sanders, 39, of Carshalton, has today begun a second week of self-imposed quarantine for what he calls man-corona, a less potent but nonetheless debilitating strain of the corona virus. While his partner Stella claims he is simply playing up, Steve says his actions are a necessary precaution to stop him spreading the virus further.
‘For all I know, I could be super-spreader anyway,’ said Steve today. ‘Assuming I was transmitting it before I noticed any symptoms, and assuming a fourteen day incubation period, literally thousands of people as far away as Croydon and Sutton could already be carrying the virus. When I say ‘people’, it is obviously men who are most at risk. Stella says I actually got it from her, but claimed it was no more than a ‘sniffle’ she picked up from her work as a classroom assistant. If it did come from her, it must have become more virulent when it crossed the gender barrier, as often happens.’
Steve has been quick to point out that his quarantine, which has seen him confined to bed in the spare room except to visit the bathroom and pick up trays of food, drink and cold cures left outside the door, has not been a complete bed of roses. Following damage to the satellite receiver in the recent storms, which Stella had not seemed in a hurry to deal with, he has had to suffer endless hours of daytime TV instead of enjoying an immersive sports experience, and for some reason the Wi-Fi router had been out of action too, restricting other avenues of entertainment.
While his employers have been compelled to accept his quarantine as genuine, it is understood that in his current state he may not be immune to the next round of middle-management cuts.