The pedigree burmese cat, known as ‘Mooncoin Arkaig Fantine the Third’ (or ‘Mr. Fuzzy’ to the family’s children or ‘The Dark Slayer’ to himself) is less than amused by the slave collar that his owners have chosen to bind him with. As far as he is concerned, it is only a matter of time until he shreds the wallpaper, sprays all over the kitchen and sh$ts in all the shoes.
Despite its garish colour and jolly little bell, Slayer is of the opinion that this is the final insult, which will lead to the slaughter of the human overlords and a declaration of tuna for all. As an unsuspecting kitten, they took his testis, but he is damned if he will let them now take his dignity.
The warning signs are all there – the low growling, the flicking tail and the fact The Slayer has left a severed rat’s head in the bed. There is nothing ambiguous about all the hissing and spitting when the collar was put on, or the end of a finger that Slayer is now digesting.
As a founder of the #MeowToo movement, Slayer will be going on a catnip-fuelled killing spree – as soon as he has finished cleaning his anus. And as he narrows his hard stare, his ears go back – ask yourself, do you feel lucky? Well do’ya?