The apparently-departing Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, has publicly stated he would be ‘happy’ to serve the next Labour leader in the shadow cabinet, but only in a shadow Dominic Cummings role. Jeremy explained: “I’ve been proud to lead the party for the last five years, proud of the policy achievements we’ve made and of the huge growth in membership to offset the disastrous loss of seats in parliament.”
Shadow business secretary Rebecca Long-Bailey has agreed it would be difficult for the outgoing leader to achieve a role as shadowy as that of Dominic Cummings in the Tory Party, but would be happy for Jeremy to try if she became leader. The announcement comes after Ed Miliband – Mr Corbyn’s predecessor – was reportedly being lined up for a return to the frontbench by Sir Keir Starmer, with the third candidate, Lisa Nandy, blocking all forms of communication from Tony Blair.
“I’m an elected representative”, claimed the MP for Islington North, “Dominic’s an unelected mercenary, publicly accountable to no one, not even Attenborough. Doing his role for the Labour Party I’ll have the legitimate backing of the voting public. Every weirdo I hire will be indirectly sanctioned by the great unwashed. The people love me pulling the strings. They sung my name at Glastonbury! You don’t get that when you’re Secretary for Guttering. I’ll do, and say, whatever I want without consequence or internal investigation. Just like I do now!
“Oh! I already am Dominic Cummings!”