With Britain’s weather worsening, the Met Office has warned that storms can be expected every other weekend for the foreseeable future. Following established practice, those coming next after Storm Ciara and Storm Dennis will be named in alphabetical order and alternating between male and female names. The public have been urged to watch out for the following:
Storm Elizabeth: Having been becalmed over Britain and much of the Commonwealth for nearly 70 years, this one could be about to explode into the vortex of chaos already left by Storm Andrew and Storm Meghan. Could be followed in a few years by Storm Charles, which is expected to be feeble and short-lived.
Storm Fernando: Currently perplexing meteorologists by appearing only at night when stars are bright. However, some are saying there is definitely something in the air tonight and if they had to make their forecasts again, they would, my friend.
Storm Gwyneth: Has caused some vexation before retreating, leaving only traces of odd-smelling goop behind.
Storm Harry: An offshoot of Storm James that seemed basically harmless, until it was sucked up into Storm Meghan and began to generate non-white offshoots, which has caused untold anguish to some people.
Storm Ivanka: A smoking hot but small frontal system, spawned from the most appalling storm of modern times, Storm Donald. Unlikely to do much harm unless reabsorbed into Storm Donald. Bigly.
Storm Jeffrey: Caused untold havoc on both sides of the Atlantic, albeit mainly among teenage girls. Blew itself out so suddenly that some believe that human intervention must have been involved.
Storm Katie: A vicious but thankfully localised event, Storm Katie keeps popping up to threaten basic decency at odd intervals before subsiding again. The public is advised to ignore her and hope she goes away.