Inquiry into Childcatcher Party’s election defeat exonerates leader


As voting begins for a new leader, the Childcatcher Party’s official report tasked with determining the reasons for its worst electoral defeat for 80 years has fixed blame on the ambition of its manifesto, while entirely exonerating it’s titular leader, The Childcatcher. The election result shocked party insiders as the party lost constituencies in Vulgaria’s former sweet-manufacturing areas known as the ‘solid toffee wall’.

A spokesman for the party said: ‘When polled, the majority of people supported our policies of ice cream, lollipops and broadband. What’s more, those items were thoroughly costed in our manifesto as ‘all free today’. The party will not apologise for offering too much hope, nor our leader having sticks of that hope attached to his fingers.’

However, activists on the ground claim they were repeatedly confronted with concern about The Childcatcher (real name Charles Catcher OVE), with constituents citing his penchant for carrying around a large butterfly net, riding a horse-drawn cage and living in a child-infested grotto under the Castle Bomburst as ‘vote-losers’.

The report also blamed the recent referendum result leading to the exit of Vulgaria from the European Union, calling it entirely a ‘Vexit election’, along with outside interference by sentient racing cars from the 1920’s. It claimed: ‘The Childcatcher, far from being a weak or divisive leader, was instead the victim of four years of unrelenting attacks on his character by the Vulgarian mainstream media’.

In response to the report, the Chancellor of Vulgaria described the findings as ‘deep folly’.

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Posted: Feb 26th, 2020 by

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