Leading scientist Dr John Dolittle was left facing the prospect of suspension from the medical profession and closure of his world-leading research lab today after an inspection by the Medical Research Council found dozens of breaches of basic research protocols.
Dolittle’s ground breaking work on antidotes for poisons such as nightshade have won him many accolades in recent years, including from Royalty, however the methods used by the reclusive doctor have, until now, been shrouded in mystery.
‘Dr Dolittle has received over £10 million of funding from research councils for his projects into the medicinal properties of fruit trees, yet when we visited his lab in his house, it was just him working on his own. It just doesn’t stack up’, noted one inspector.
‘Basic lab guidelines to avoid contamination of experiments were being ignored’, continued the inspector. ‘During our two hour observation, we saw a gorilla pawing a petri-dish, and a giraffe defecating near to some test tubes. And some of the acting from Robert Downey Jr was nothing short of criminal.’
The visit to Dolittle’s lab was prompted after a whistleblower from a rival laboratory claimed that the doctor was using research money to fund luxury trips to faraway lands, often travelling with an entourage of exotic animals.
‘No informed consent forms, no records of experiments and improper use of animals in research, continued the inspector. ‘The list goes on. We asked Dolittle for an explanation, but he refused to answer any of our questions, and directed us to an overly chipper Polynesian macaw voiced by what sounded suspiciously like Emma Thompson. What we saw was absolutely shocking but I guess film studios will always try and do these remakes’.
The news tops a bad week for the medical profession after Dr Dre was found guilty of crimes against music and Dr Pepper accused of promoting unhealthy diets.