Old Hampshire votes for Pitt the Elder

In surprise twist to the presidential primary in New Hampshire, voters from Basingstoke to Gosport have resoundingly thrown their support behind William Pitt, the 1st Earl of Chatham. Despite Pitt being absent from frontline politics for the last two hundred and forty years, staunchly anti-French and dead, he is seen as more palatable than Hilary Clinton or Ted Cruz.

While headlines have been dominated by New Hampshire opting for Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump, citizens of Winchester have been critical of the US electorate. One voter complained: ‘Why should New Hampshire be trusted to choose candidates for the most powerful position in the entire world? They couldn’t even come up with an original name for their state. We’ve got Alfred the Great and two thousand years of history, they’ve got Adam Sandler and a tonne of maple syrup.’

Many political observers have suggested that Old Hampshire, by electing Pitt, is out-of-touch with the contemporary candidates and may not have noticed the War of American Independence. However one irate Portsmouth resident pointed out: ‘If the American electorate cannot find a serious candidate, then it behoves us to take over. They’ve had their little experiment with life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, but, since all three are mostly equated with having an assault rifle handy to deal with unwelcome callers at their front door after 8 p.m., clearly it’s not working.’

One US voter admitted: ‘The similarities between Pitt and Trump are striking. Both have hair that defies belief, a glazed expression and will fill the White House with the lingering smell of death. Both have also given their names to geographical locations in the US – though ironically Pittsburgh is the arse-end of nowhere, while Trump Towers has no end of arse everywhere.’

Wrenfoe

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Posted: Feb 29th, 2020 by

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