Transport company Ford has announced that it is expanding it’s cycling range with new emojis on the jacket and several handy bike accessories.
The original jacket had a rider-controlled display of a happy or sad face emoji on the back, making it the perfect way to let people know what you think of the driving of someone who is already 500m in front of you and will never see it. The new jackets will expand the emotional range of your futile gestures, featuring emojis of “face with tongue sticking out” for when the rider is passing stationary traffic, “poo in pants” for when a driver passes too close, and “facemask-covered face” to make sure other vehicles keep their distance.
The company is also branching out beyond clothing into a full range of cycling accessories. These include an “Instant-filla” spraygun pothole repair kit with a range of 10 metres, and a “Dead Ratcatcher” front wheel guard for sweeping fallen branches, soft drinks cans, broken wing mirrors out of the way. Most popular, however, is a handlebar-mounted bazooka that bears the slogan “Welcome to the real war on cars baby”, for which there have apparently been “thousands” of pre-orders.
Ford has also confirmed that it is working on a “revolutionary” product that would upgrade cyclists’ personal protective equipment from a helmet to a 2 ton metal surround shell with sidebars, airbags, “a few tweaks to the drive train and saddle” and an extra set of wheels, which would retail at around £10,000. “We’re excited about this project, we just need the marketing guys to settle on a name” said a Ford spokesperson, “personally I think ‘auto-mobile’ has a nice ring to it.”