Pope warns that a ban on mass gatherings could lead to mass panic during mass


One of the world’s top Popes (as voted by Daily Express readers), Pope Francis, was quick out the blocks this morning to criticise the Italian government’s newly announced anti-virus measures.

They include playing all football matches behind closed doors, reducing the size of Pizza Express plates by a further two inches, restoration of The Medici and banning mass gatherings.

Speaking from his Penthouse Jacuzzi, in between long drags on one of his favourite Cardinal brand cigarettes, His Pontiffness reflected on the consequences of a sudden end to one of his mass gatherings.

“This is going to seriously fuck up my Sunday mornings. Mass usually starts with me reading out the Serie A results in St Peter’s Square. If the government suddenly decides to send in the army to break up the mass midway through the Inter Milan result, even devout worshippers will go crazy. Have you ever seen nuns in panic mode? It’s not a pretty sight, worse I’d say than the beach assault scene in Saving Private Ryan.

The economic fallout from all this is going to be a nightmare. If people panic and stay at home, then who the hell is going to put their loose change in the Holy collection boxes? How am I supposed to maintain my Jacuzzi lifestyle and the collection of vintage Ferrari’s?”

A Vatican spokesman explained that His Holiness has sent dozens of emails to The_Almighty@Omnipotent.com asking what gives with this virus shit, but has only received an out of office message so far.

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Posted: Mar 8th, 2020 by

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