New £20 note to replace toilet paper


Panic buyers have given up stockpiling toilet paper and have gone for the next cheapest equivalent – the UK currency.  The holographic £20 has become the perineal cleaner of choice, with the Queen’s face reassuringly starring back at you; arguably in ‘less shit’ than Prince Andrew.

The Coronavirus has led to UK citizens making desperate choices when it comes to unwanted fecal matter, other than just simply voting it in as Prime Minister.  A lack of toilet paper has meant that the £20 note is technically cheaper and comes with the added bonus of being able to wipe the smile off of Adam Smith.

Supermarkets reported a shortage of toilet rolls, followed by a shortage of pasta and tinned tomatoes – which begs the question, who is using pasta to clean their arse?  Said one shopper: ‘Pasta is absorbent and durable, although dried tortellini is a tad rough’.

The scratchy nature of the note, has evoked memories of the 1970’s tracing paper that was commonly used as school tissue paper.  The polymer paper has the benefit of being washable, meaning that one £20 can service a family of four for a month – although it will shred their rings ‘like a cheese grater’

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Posted: Mar 9th, 2020 by

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