‘This special measure is designed to reassure the great British public and to allay understandable concerns,’ said Prime Minister Boris Johnson. ‘From today, there is absolutely no need for panic buying.’
In a rare public appearance, Mr Johnson added: ‘From personal experience, I know what it’s like to be caught with your trousers down and nothing to cover your arse and so, in close consultation with, and full agreement from my Conservative cabinet colleagues, I’ve instigated and approved this important government initiative.’
Timothy White, Mr Johnson’s special advisor for arse-wiping, gave his personal assurance that the government has no shortage of paper. ‘In any event, you can always tear your Daily Mail into handy-sized pieces and hang them on a piece of string in the khazi,’ he said in an exclusive interview with the NewsBiscuit health correspondent. ‘That’s what my mum did during WWII.’
The new ration coupons will be sent to all households registered on every electoral roll in England and Wales, and are expected to be ready at the same time as the new blue passports.
Individuals with diarrhoea will be able to apply for additional coupons, upon referral from a healthcare professional. In the event of diarrhoea, you are advised to sit on a large bucket and dial 111.
The scheme will be extended to Scotland, just as soon as Nicola Sturgeon gets the squits.