Several of the UK’s water companies have today warned that reservoirs are running dangerously low, following the extra demand being placed upon our supplies because almost 70 million people are now washing their hands upwards of fifteen times daily.
High ranking Thames Water Executive Gaston Le Fevre said: ‘It’s true we’ve had the highest levels of rainfall since records began and we’ve all seen the chronic flooding this has caused, however we must always offset the need for reinvestment against dividends for shareholders, consequently we have only limited resources to spend to bring our water collection and storage facilities up to the required standard.’
‘And yes, OK, when we all picked up another of Britain’s national utilities for an absolute song we did promise to invest in much-needed infrastructure, but come on. We’re a business at the end of the day and certainly aren’t about to piss our profits down the drain.’
Meanwhile Parliamentary Under Secretary of State for Water, George Eustace said: ‘It’s a tricky one and we have to be mindful our utility partners must be able earn an honest few bob, so perhaps I will have a word with the PM at the next Cabinet.’
‘Maybe get him to have Matt (Hancock) issue new guidelines to stem the tide of Coronavirus. Something like… oh I don’t know…. perhaps we say tap water is of no use whatsoever and now we need to be washing our hands in Evian and Perrier etc.’
‘That way our core supporters will be fine whereas Labour voters and the poor will just have to take their chances. After all the survival of the fittest in the wild is nature’s way.’