Man self-isolates himself after accepting a lift in a Toyota Corolla


Dulwich resident, Dave Marsh (43), has quarantined himself at home after realising that the lift home he accepted was in a Toyota Corolla, which he has logically concluded as rendering him a category-A candidate for catching coronavirus, it has emerged.  Marsh said:  ‘I have adhered to all the necessary precautions as advised by the government – wear a hip flask at all times, avoid Chinese buffets and sneeze internally.  Broke a bastard rib doing that last one.’

‘Then after extensive research from reputable sources on the internet, which our government shockingly missed, I started avoiding all things that vaguely sound like Coronavirus.  So, I stopped eating Corona Flakes and Corona on the cob.  When outside, I covered myself in clingfilm and instigated a strict prosthetic foot-shake greet, although that occurrence didn’t come up because I am an IT gremlin working out of a cupboard.’

‘I only accepted the lift because the guy had a Warhammer sticker on the back window of his car. Turned out it was his eleven-year-old son’s, who wasn’t even there.   I made sure I sat in the back seat and avoided all eye contact.  Like I do in life.  Then, just when I thought I was safely in my flat, the prick pulled away and I realised the make of car.’

‘I burned all my clothes, bathed for. 24 hours in hand sanitiser, which I started stockpiling alongside tins of spam, thirteen years ago, and emailed his registration to Matt Hancock.  14-days in my dank basement with my Xbox and not natural light – Hey, this Coronavirus isn’t all bad.’

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Posted: Mar 11th, 2020 by

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