Newsbiscuit’s guide to alternative hand sanitisers

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In the midst of the Coronavirus outbreak, a nation-wide shortage of hand sanitiser is causing panic among members of the public largely unfamiliar with soap and hot water. Fortunately, the Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, has been quick to provide a simple solution that promises to be effective for both hands and cocks.

While the Department for Health and Social Care remains unavailable for comment, Mr Hancock’s expert personal advice is to make your own sanitiser by using a mixture (shaken, not stirred) of any twelve of the following readily available ingredients:

 

 

petrol
paraffin
methylated spirit
white spirit
turpentine
lighter fluid
antifreeze
de-icer
WD-40
Ronseal
Cuprinol
Turtle Wax
T-Cut
Domestos
Toilet Duck
Harpic
Ajax
Cif
Cillit Bang
Flash
Mr Muscle
Mr Sheen
Pledge
Brasso
Glade
Febreze
Vanish
Persil
Bold (2 in 1)
Finish (All in 1 Max)
Windolene
Dettol
Savlon
Sudocrem
Colgate
Sensodyne
Listerine
Polident
Bonjela
Bazuka Gel
Anusol
Senokot
Imodium
Deep Heat
Ibuleve
Voltarol
Gaviscon
Alka-Seltzer
Fisherman’s Friends
Lemsip
Night Nurse
Benylin
Benadryl
Vicks VapoRub
Nytol
Optrex
Vosene
Head & Shoulders
Raid
Chanel No.5
Old Spice
Brut
Lynx
patchouli oil
Marmite
Colman’s mustard
Tabasco
anchovies
marzipan
Nescafe
Guinness
Pinot Grigio
Malibu
Coca-Cola
cocaine
lemon juice
lavender
horseradish
turmeric
oregano
garlic
salt

WARNING – Whichever twelve ingredients are used, the resulting sanitiser is for external human use only, or as a marinade for chlorinated chicken.

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Posted: Mar 12th, 2020 by

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