Radio 4’s Desert Island is the latest territory to fall victim to the coronavirus pandemic, with the number of castaways, dead or alive, nearing 3200 and many – including Leopold Stokowski and Basil Brush – complaining of overcrowding, making self isolation impossible. It’s understood recent castaway Ed Sheeran accidentally took coronavirus to the island, as well as the Bible and Shakespeare, and with numbers rising steadily a serious outbreak now seems inevitable. Worse still, Zoe Ball had asked for an unlimited supply of hand sanitiser earlier in the year as her luxury. This could have helped minimise the outbreak, but she was only granted enough for her personal use, prompting the resignation of the BBC Director General and the threat of another three series of Mrs Brown’s Boys.
‘Desert island Discs is a flagship programme that has been on air since 1942,’ said a Corporation spokesperson. ‘The original premise was so brilliant that we didn’t foresee its inherent flaws which are only now truly coming to light. It was only in 1974, when actor Oliver Reed refused to allow comedian Arthur Askey a ‘go’ on his luxury, an inflatable rubber woman, that it became clear that castaways were not alone at all and that celebrity islander numbers were growing. Arguments broke out whose turn it was to use the island’s single gramophone, and whether Norman Mailer should be allowed to grow marijuana from his luxury, a single joint. When Bob Monkhouse suggested castaways should be allowed to wipe their bottoms on pages from the 1836 bibles that had accumulated on the island, whose location is secret, the papers had a field day.
‘Bottomgate’ as it became known, was one of the first major controversies to break out on the island with the then Archbishop of Canterbury, Robert Runcie warning that use of the Bible for this purpose would be blasphemous, and showily wiping his own bottom on Henry IV’s part one, torn from the many unused complete works of Shakespeare that litter the otherwise idyllic island. Dame Judy Dench hit back by publicly using the Book of Revelations for a purpose Newsbiscuit declines to elaborate on.
Now, with the pandemic reaching a peak on the Island, the BBC is considering sending a deep-pan-cleaned cruise ship to rescue the islanders, and their vinyl copies of ‘Navy Lark Ascending.’ But Home Secretary Priti Patel has warned that foreign castaways and those whose passports have expired ‘will have to wait their fucking turn with all the other useless riff raff who want to get into this country. Serves them right, the c*nts! The BBC should have thought this through, but they’re fucked anyway.’