Gatherings of oiks to be banned – opera and ballet unaffected

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The latest step being considered to halt the spread of COVID-19 in the country is the prevention of groups of so-called yobs and hooligans congregating in football grounds, the government has announced. This measure will see all football matches played behind closed doors, and the screening of games will also be banned in pubs to discourage assemblies of those the government describes as the great unwashed.

The FA has said they plan to introduce Virtual Assistant Racist at all games played behind closed doors. A spokesman said, “If there are no fans in the ground then clearly the game is going to suffer, as the players won’t feel right. After all, our foreign players are well used to racist abuse, especially the ones who aren’t white, and we all know this makes them play to their full potential.

Such precautions may eventually extend to all sports except tennis, yachting and croquet, whose supporters have been assessed as being above infection. The government is also deliberating over the possible banning of rock concerts and night clubs and anywhere else that groups of those who they consider to be drug-crazed hoodlums and louts may gather.

On the other hand, genteel aficionados of the fine arts will still be able to attend art galleries, classical music recitals and West End theatre, as these events are not included in the restrictions.

When asked whether the government were washing their hands of the responsibility of a measured and effective response to the threat of COVID-19, a self-isolating Health Ministry spokeswoman said, ‘We are not washing our hands at all.’

 

(hattip oshaughnessy)

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Posted: Mar 14th, 2020 by

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