The virus-driven phenomenon of ‘social distancing’ has claimed its first victims in the UK. First thought up by Americans who have long believed that a red Donald Trump baseball cap will protect them from random shootings, alien abduction and viruses, ‘social distancing’ has now struck in Central London.
People arriving at a cash machine located outside a Tesco Metro in Covent Garden were shocked to find a lengthy queue stretching all the way to Chinatown, with each person being kept at a regulation twenty-feet away from the customer in front.
‘It’s like being trapped in the middle of a Dystopian film or a Barbara Cartland novel, or something,’ said Dave Landau, a Vegan Polo instructor from Upper Norwood.
‘I only popped down here on the off chance Tesco might have some bog paper left and take out twenty quid from the cash machine. It took me ten minutes to walk to the end of the queue, past people in face masks and wearing plastic boxes on their heads.
When I finally reached the machine I got stuck behind a bloke in a full wet suit, goggles, and aqualung, who was depositing cheques and cash in seven different accounts. Total nightmare.’
A spokesperson for the UK Social Distancing Association, who answered questions from across the road, said that keeping a minimum of twenty-feet apart in our social interactions, and washing our hands after washing our hands, was the only way to beat this virus.