ISIS orders suicide bombers to avoid crowded spaces

Screenshot 2020-03-13 at 22.54.50

Surviving leadership of radical group Islamic State has responded to the COVID-19 crisis with new guidelines for its Jihadi workforce around the globe.

“Health of our people is of paramount importance to us,” management explained in an organisation-wide circular, “therefore to reduce risk of exposure to infection we’re calling for all potential martyrs to consider detonating themselves away from busy markets or tourists sites where significant crowds may gather. And if slashing randomly at passersby with a knife, be sure to make regular use of a sanitising handwash, which can be stored in a fake suicide vest pocket”.

Initial data suggests that the new measures are proving effective in halting the spread of the virus within the IS workforce with no reported cases, although management are receiving a significant surge in complaints about noise and mess from neighbours of employees who have elected to work from home.

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Posted: Mar 16th, 2020 by

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