Burglars seek “everyone’s in” government bailout

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The General Secretary of the National Union of Filchers, Intruders, Larcenists, Cat Burglars and Housebreakers (FILCH), Colin “The Crowbar” Wilson, has today urged the government to provide emergency financial support to the country’s 30,000 burglars.

In a statement issued this morning, FILCH warned that the future of break-ins in the UK was “looking decidedly bleak” and that advice issued by No 10 to counter the spread of Covid-19 could, “spell the end of a centuries old profession. An industry in which the UK is recognised as being the world leader.”

Mr Wilson labelled the PM’s recent advice to stay at home as “wholly irresponsible” and called upon the Government to launch a £5bn rescue package for British Burglary, with the cash being made available in an unguarded warehouse on the outskirts of Liverpool.

“No one’s going out anymore. They’re not going to work during the day, not going out at night, not going on holiday and are certainly not visiting elderly relatives,” said Mr. Wilson. “This is making life very difficult for our members, who need a degree of privacy in order to earn a dishonest living.”

“It’s not just the lack of opportunity that’s the problem. The Government’s actions have had a knock on effect on what we knock off too,” Mr Wilson went on to explain. “Nobody’s interested in a pair of antique silver candlesticks anymore. It’s all pasta, tinned tomatoes and hand sanitiser nowadays. Try and fence a gold Rolex today, and rather than cash, you’re more likely to be offered a nine pack of Andrex in exchange – it won’t even be quilted!”

“I mean what’s the bloke that works at the Office for National Statistics putting together all of the Home Office’s crime figures going to do if we disappear?” asked Mr. Wilson. “It’s not like he can turn to a life of crime instead. There won’t be any!”

“Unfortunately we don’t have the luxury of being able to follow the Government’s advice ourselves. We trialled working from home, but nicking your own stuff is just not financially viable in the long-term.”

“The Government got us in to this mess, we need them to act fast and decisively to get us out of it,” concluded Mr Wilson. “I cannot stress how critical the situation is. If it weren’t for the fact that you are here now, interviewing me, then my crew wouldn’t have robbed a single house this month.”

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Posted: Mar 17th, 2020 by

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