UK Government calls for Kevin Bacon to self-isolate

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The UK Government’s science advisors have pinpointed the isolation of Hollywood actor Kevin Bacon as the next Phase in the fight against Covid-19. “Humans are six degrees apart on this Earth, and Kevin Bacon has been proven time and time again to be at the centre of this contagion network. By quarantining Kevin Bacon, we are confident crisis can be averted.”

The Chief Medical Officer has warned the Government not to rush into such a drastic measure. “The Public needs Kevin Bacon. If they are deprived of him too soon, they may suffer Bacon fatigue, and begin to seek him out before it is safe to do so.”

Earlier this week, the Government assured the public that they have been liaising with television networks to show reruns of old EE adverts featuring a healthy form of Bacon if it becomes necessary to isolate him. Some network CEOs have denied being approached by the Government, and have said they cannot yet promise there are sufficient Bacon rations for the increasing number of quarantined day-time TV watchers.

 

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Posted: Mar 17th, 2020 by

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