Britain, the backward Third World country at the centre of the Conservavirus crisis, has been urged to cut itself off from the world even more than it planned to already, in order to stop the rest of the globe being infected.
Conservavirus has its epicentre in Eton but has already infected vast areas of Britain, including some areas in the north traditionally immune to it. Symptoms include an affected air of knowing best, compulsive lying, a reduced ability to think and constantly harking back to World War II for no rational reason.
France is taking a particularly hard line against the lethal stupidity infection, with official government spokesman Guy de Loimbard threatening to halt all cross-Channel travel. ‘La France is the land of philosophy and intellectuals par excellence,’ said de Loimbard. ‘We cannot stand by and let your nasty little right-wing bug lay waste to our four-hour lunch breaks.’
‘Or to put it in a way you English understand, we fart in your general direction and call your fishing-rights-retaining request a silly thing. You tiny-brained lickers of Russian oligarchs’ bottoms.’
Reasearchers have warned that a cure for Conservavirus is at least five years away. In the interim, potential victims are being advised to stay indoors, refrain from watching Question Time and wash their hands while singing Too Drunk to Fuck by the Dead Kennedys if the thought of Jacob Rees-Mogg makes them feel at all queasy.