Government announces toilet paper airdrops

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Communities across the UK have been told to brace themselves for a series of airdrops as toilet paper supplies run out in the wake of the Coronavirus crisis.

Chinook helicopters are to be loaded and dispatched to strategic locations in England, Scotland and Northern Ireland. People in Wales will be encouraged to use dock leaves until fresh supplies can be sourced.

Red Cross volunteers and army personnel are to take charge of the airdrops once they are on the ground. An Army spokesperson said, “We have instructions to shoot to kill anyone who tries to break through our cordons or take more than they are entitled to.”

However, the news has been criticised by some town dwellers who say that it will be a strain to get to open spaces in time before loads are dispersed to waiting crowds.

However, the Prime Minister has indicated that the Government is working with Amazon and the Civil Aviation Authority to deliver 4 and 6 packs by special drones to individuals in this situation.

People on the Isle of Wight, who stockpiled IZAL medicated toilet tissue in the 1950’s and 60’s, will be exempt from the airdrops as they are reported to have enough stock to last them until 2091.

“No one in the country will have any excuse to go around with skid marks,” said Mr Johnson, “Let’s get wiping done!”

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Posted: Mar 22nd, 2020 by

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