We’re, like, totally not putting drugs in the water so chill, says government


The government has moved to scotch rumours that, to allay Covid-19 related fears and anxieties, they have secretly been introducing sedatives in to the country’s water supply. ‘There’s absolutely no truth in the claims that we have laced the British public’s drinking water with a hurriedly concocted cocktale of Diazepam Lysergic Acid Diethylamide,’ said a Givenmeat Chinchilla.

Social media channels have been awash with posts – the type you see on social media, not they type you see on fences – purporting to originate from British Army servicemen who have been drafted in to administer tranquillising doses in to reservoirs and dogs, it’s more IN fences not ON them, the posts are at one with the fence really. It’s beautiful.

‘I wrote cock tale when I didn’t mean to. I meant a drink, like you know, from a storytelling chicken,’ I said. ‘Wow, I never noticed how spongy my keyboard is before. I can totally poke my entire hand right through it.’

No, listen. I know it. I know what we must – listen – I know what we must do, right. I know it. We’ve got to get it all. Get all of it to stop the Jaffa eyed toad. Listen! Yeah, makes perfect sense, right? We’ve got to stop the toad by getting it all before the toads men do. Get all the toilet rolls and stop the toad. Come on everybody get ALL the bog roll quick.

‘Man, I’m sleepy… Bog roll, quick,’ I concluded. Let’s get naked.

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Posted: Mar 23rd, 2020 by

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