The coronavirus epidemic is actually a cunning ploy by the Baby Boom generation to screw around with everyone else once more before they go, or in many cases, while they actually go, it has emerged.
‘All right, we admit it,’ said Norman Higgins, a 74-year-old retired mechanic from Dewsbury in Yorkshire, who voted to leave the EU. ‘A few of us read a comment in The Guardian that Brexit was our generation’s “parting two-fingered salute to the young” and we thought “Right, you cheeky young whippersnappers, just you wait and see”.’
Higgins, who was born in 1946 and grew up under the Welfare State, has spent the past 74 years labouring under the misapprehension that he survived the Blitz and single-handedly defeated Nazi Germany. In fact, he left school with no qualifications in 1962 but still enjoyed reasonably well-paid employment his whole life until retiring on a final salary pension in 2006, and now owns a house worth £350,000 that he bought for 2s.6d. or whatever that is in this new money.
Explaining what happened next, Higgins said: ‘We looked around for what else we could do to make your lives harder. We all voted Tory last year, of course, but that didn’t have any shock value any more. The one real power we still had was to die in a ruinously expensive way, while trashing the economy for years to come for those still having to earn a living. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.’
Kai Lewis-McKenzie, a 22-year-old hipster from South-East London, said: ‘Since the outbreak of coronavirus, my retro-chic Thunderbirds-themed café and craft brewery has had to close down and I am relying on whatever I can get from a zero-hours contract from Deliveroo to deliver takeaways to all the self-isolating 60 to 70-year-olds who “don’t like darkies” in order to pay £600 a month rent on a warm puddle.’
‘Still, I have a poncy name and I eat smashed avocado, so I suppose it’s all my fault really.’