James Carrick, 35, from Islington, has spoken of his ‘terrifying ordeal’ after his plan to access priority shopping with a fake NHS ID backfired. ‘It’s not worth it guys,’ he said.
‘Sure, I got two days of easy access to pasta and loo rolls. But I forgot to take my ID off, and was requisitioned by the local emergency ward. I spent the next two weeks working 18-hour shifts emptying bedpans into the hospital coffee maker, and contracted three separate types of diarrhoea. I haven’t even had time to eat the pasta yet and he loo roll is all gone.’
The Metropolitan Police have reported a 12,500% increase in confiscated NHS IDs over the past fortnight. As well as priority shopping, the IDs are being used to feign self-worth whilst tripping up pensioners to get to the last tin of Bovril. The fake cards are said to range from sophisticated replications to a sticker on an expired EHIC and something drawn on the back of an egg box with a biro.
Police officers outside supermarket can test up to 1500 IDs a day, but are limiting their service to customers who ‘are displaying symptoms of being a prick’, ‘live with a confirmed prick’ or have recently returned from Italy. Chief Commissioner Cressida Dick announced: ‘We have managed to stem the flow this week, after arresting notorious NHS deviant, J. Hunt, who had been selling fake NHS IDs for statistical and economical reasons for the last decade.’
Meanwhile, Sainsbury’s have reported 40 million ‘vulnerable and elderly customer’ registrations in the past 24 hours. ‘I urge the public to stop, erm, panic-buying senility,’ waffled a man named Alexander B. Johnson, whose ID proclaims him to be a brain surgeon at the Chelsea & Westminster hospital. “And I would like to urge the public to stop panic-buying senility! Now excuse me, it’s my priority shopping time.’