With parks and open spaces threatened with closure or now out of bounds to humans for the foreseeable future, Britain’s ducks have made a heartfelt plea to stave off starvation. Spokesmallard Bill Drake of Regent’s Park said: ‘First we had Brexit and no more stale baguettes. Now it looks like our main food supplies are being cut off because of some new poxy regulations. We have to put up with their b*s!@#! labradors and rotten kids and this is the thanks we get.’
Ducks throughout the country, from tiny ducklings to those on their last webbed feet, are facing the same scenario as bread suppliers are told to remain at home. In addition, the RSPB has highlighted an increase in hate crimes against Mandarin ducks. In the Lake District, Sidney Swan expressed anger with the lack of consideration being afforded him and his fellow feathery friends. ‘We’re not going to stay mute over this,’ he warned.