Dildo batteries are essential items, say lockdown experts

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Following desperate calls for dildo batteries to be added to the list of essential items during the current lockdown, the Government has made a U-turn.
They will now be categorised as essential as milk, bread and Werther’s Originals.

‘I’m so relieved,’ said Yvonne Hand from Woking. ‘I only do a clothes’ wash once a week so my rinse cycle stick-on has been my only pleasure and I’ve even had to put it on an extra spin.’

According to analysts, many panic buyers concentrated on grabbing toilet rolls and hand gels, forgotting to consider the long-term psychological effects of being without a pack of Duracell Ultra AA batteries. This resulted in raiding children’s toys and TV remote controls which in turn led to further family tensions.

Meanwhile, back in Woking, Ms Hand is no longer worrying about her extended isolation. ‘I’ve now been out to the shops and managed to get hold of a 48 pack which will luckily provide me with enough juice to power up my Rampant Rabbit vibrator with its 12-speed clitoral stimulus for a good week. I forgot to get any milk though.’

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Posted: Mar 28th, 2020 by

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