Downing Street officials confirmed today that they are actively considering appointing a national clap czar. A spokesman said: ‘The first national clap for the NHS was such a success that lots of people with far too much time on their hands, have been on social media suggesting that other worthies should also be recognised. So, we have drawn up a National Clap Rota with a view to implementing this from next week.’
The National Clap Rota details how the National Clap will work. Every evening at 8pm, people will be instructed and required to come out on to their doorsteps and balconies in the following daily order:
Monday – 3 minute clap for The Queen and members of the Royal Family, followed by Hip Hip Hooray!
Tuesday – 3 minute clap for the Prime Minister, followed by a muted one minute single handed clap for the Leader of the Opposition.
Wednesday – 3 minute clap for Prof. Neil Ferguson of Imperial College London, for giving us all a much needed break from normal work.
Thursday – 10 minute mindless applause until your chapped hands start to feel really painful, with fireworks, banners and Premier League celebration cannons for the NHS. ANYONE NOT DOING THIS WILL BE FINED.
Friday – 1 minute applause for the Archbishop of Canterbury, The Chief Rabbi and other religious worthies. Not Imams obviously as that would be idolatry.
Saturday – 2 minute clap for Match of the Day still being off air and less of Jug Ears and his baldy mates.
Sunday – 1 minute clap for anyone who understands how Belgravia got commissioned when it’s basically a rehash of Downton Abbey.
The National Clap rota will be under constant scrutiny and is subject to change.