Ninety percent of British towns now controlled by goats

LLANDUDNO, WALES - MARCH 31: Mountain goats roam the streets of LLandudno on March 31, 2020 in Llandudno, Wales. The goats normally live on the rocky Great Orme but are occasional visitors to the seaside town, but a local councillor told the BBC that the herd was drawn this time by the lack of people and tourists due to the COVID-19 outbreak and quarantine measures. (Photo by Christopher Furlong/Getty Images)

The majority of towns and cities in the UK are now under the control of feral goats it has been revealed. After footage emerged on Monday of a herd of Kashmiri goats marauding through the locked-down streets of Llandudno the goats appear to have strengthened their grip and goat flags can now be seen flying over Town Halls up and down the land.

In a BBC interview goat leader Goaty McGoatface claimed all of Britain’s major cities were now under his control.

‘Britain is now subject to goat law’ said McGoatface.

‘London has fallen and we are inside Downing Street where your Prime Minister Boris Johnson is currently handing the nuclear codes over to a small Nubian goat called Derek’.

‘Humans should only leave their homes to shop for essential items – like carrots, sprouts and other things that we goats like to eat, which is basically everything. Anyone found leaving their homes without a valid reason will be heavily punished by getting a horn up the arse or having their underwear eaten off the washing line’.

Despite the shocking nature of their takeover goats have been welcomed in parts of the country where some residents have been seen cheering and throwing flowers at the invading herds.

‘I for one welcome our new Bovidae overlords’ said Chipping Norton resident Trevor Marsh.

‘If they can do a better job than current lot at the Council then they’ll get my vote. My recycling bin was collected on time this morning and they answered my email about deferring Council Tax payments during the lockdown in a very prompt fashion. Its early days but so far so good’.

The goats are understood to have secured a stranglehold over the transport network and other key elements of national infrastructure.

‘We now have control over the majority of ports and harbours and have secured all major bridges. Only goats will be allowed to cross these bridges until further notice’ confirmed McGoatface.

‘A lot of people have criticised us on Twitter about our bridge policy but they’re just trolls so who cares’.

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Posted: Apr 3rd, 2020 by

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