Vampires told to prevent infection by washing their fangs after all meals


Count Dracula has written personally to the nations’ vampire households, outlining the stringent hygiene measures they need to take following direct human contact.

In his letter, he says, “We can’t avoid close contact with humans obviously and social distancing is out of the question. Unfortunately, they are likely to be infected with a virus believed to have originated in bats. I realise of course this is the ultimate irony for our species and our Chief Vampire Scientist is working hard to develop a vaccine.

Normally we are only at risk from silver bullets or an invasive procedure involving rudimentary wooden stakes and sledgehammers. If, however, this virus mutates it could well turn us into bats permanently. I’m sure that although we are all in this together, none of us wants to spend eternity hanging upside down in a cave with just our own shit for company.

I’m therefore asking all vampires to make sure they wash their fangs for at least 20 seconds after a blood-drinking session. Please stay safe and only venture out from your coffins for basic necessities.

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Posted: Apr 3rd, 2020 by

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