Tory MPs to become ventilators to ease nation’s shortage

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Following the government’s ‘administrative mix up’ that led to the UK not taking part in Europe-wide tenders for ventilators, a number of conservative MPS have come forward to volunteer themselves to act as ventilators to ease the shortage.

Brexit backing Conservative MPs who usually expend a large amount of hot air explaining why we don’t need Europe and can solve all our problems on our own will now be hooking themselves up to the nation’s patients to give them some critical life support.

Well-known massive windbags like Ian Duncan Smith are thought to be able to keep at least 30 patients breathing, the Brexit bellowing lungs of Mark Francois are thought to be able to support around 50 ordinary honest English patients. Michael Gove is also thought to have made himself available, you attach Michael via a stab in the back. Jacob Rees Mogg, on the other hand, has been ruled out as he is not thought to breathe the same air as everybody else.

The cost of a single Conservative MP ventilator is likely to be much cheaper than many of the ventilators currently in development by well known British companies from Vauxhall Motors to Greggs the Bakery.

Dyson have created a machine that has eliminated the need for moving parts and at £69,999 per machine will be the must-have ventilator for the aspirating aspirational housewife.

BAE systems, the well-known weapons manufacturer, also has a ventilator in production but all 50,000 of them will be sold to the Saudis in cash.

Aside from Conservative MPs, no one has so far come forward from the Labour Party, it appears all the wind has currently been sucked out of them.

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Posted: Apr 4th, 2020 by

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