‘My fellow Americans, at a tremendous time like this you don’t need fake medical experts telling you what to do. That’s why I came up with these beautiful top ten tips for surviving the China virus. People say to me that I’m a genius. Everywhere I go people say these are the greatest top tips in the entire history of the Unites States. Obama didn’t even have tips! Can you imagine that? No president has done more to write top tips than I have. That’s why I got Mike Pence to write these top tips.’
1. Don’t let snowflake liberals make you to stand in line at the grocery store. SHOOT
THEM!!!!!!!!! I hear great things about shooting people. WATCH THIS SPACE!!!!!!!
2. I NEVER said to shoot people. FAKE NEWS!!!!! Don’t listen to failed CNN or Democrats.
Be nice in grocery stores folks!
3. Pray to Jesus. Jesus is a great guy. I told my pastor I sexually assault women and he
said that’s OK because God hates women too. Me and Jesus are great friends. He rings me
up for advice. He thinks women are dirty.
4. Be nice to women in these difficult times. I’m always nice to women. Everywhere I go
people say, why are you so nice to women? Why don’t you sexually assault them? I love
women and women love me. DON’T BELIEVE FAKE WASHINGTON POST!!!
6. Only ugly people should wear a mask. My spray tan protects my tremendously beautiful
face from the virus and negative poll ratings. People say to me, how do you get such a
great tan? I tell them it’s EASY!!!!! When a farmer sprays shit over his crops I put my
head up over the hedge. I try to keep my mouth shut – which aint easy folks!
7. My tan is not FAKE!!!!! More deep-state FAKE TAN NEWS from sleepy Joe Biden. Stay strong
USA. Together we will get re-elected!!!!!
8. So-called experts are telling me to stop licking door handles. FUCK YOU!!!! I’m probably
the greatest president the world has ever known. I will continue licking knobs in the
White House. Medical advice is only one side of every story. Fox news is the other.
9. The SCROTUM will address the nation at 8.30pm Eastern Time.
10. I am NOT Donald Trump!!! I never said I was. FAKE FAILED NEW YORK TIMES!!!!! I am in
fact Donald Trump. Sometimes, when I’m alone at night, I cry. Then I remember I can bomb
Iran with just a telephone call and then I laugh like a crazy guy!!! STAY STRONG
AMERICA! Virus death toll is a price I’m willing to pay!!!