Getting Donald Trump to wear a face mask would not prevent significant amounts of bullshit from seeping out of the sides, the President’s advisors warned today.
The news will come as a disappointment to millions of Americans, who were hoping the Center For Diseae Control’s voluntary guidance to wear a mask might be taken up by the President, and would give them some much needed relief from his daily streams of consciousness on the fight against coronavirus.
Whilst Trump has said that he wouldn’t wear be wearing one anyway, insiders in the White House have revealed extensive testing of masks over the last few weeks, but with ultimately disappointing outcomes.
‘We asked the President to recite some of his most ridiculous lines from the last 2 months’, which gave us a very robust sample size to test on,’ said Dr Anthony Fauci. ‘It’ll be over by Easter Sunday. We managed to stop it early. It’s a Chinese virus etc.’
‘Even with a N95 ventilator mask on, there was huge seepage of crap out of the sides’, sighed Fauci. ‘Not just droplets, but huge, turd-size ones’.
American citizens are being advised not to listen to Trump, whether he wears a mask or not. ‘Even minimal exposure is likely to result in a raised temperature and the feeling of blood racing to your head,’ warned Fauci. ‘How I’m still standing being exposed to him every f@&king day is beyond me’.